Before now poetry has taken notice
Of wars, and what are wars but politics
Transformed from chronic to acute and bloody?
from "Build Soil"
Robert Frost

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Walker: [Iraqi] Ranger?

It's been something of a surreal day. The air outside is thick with the smoke from the garbage dump, where it seems there is nothing to burn today besides some sort of plastic. The acrid stench gives way to the crisper smoke from the assortment of burn barrels which are once again busy devouring remnents of unkept letters and packages from homes far away. The night sky seems impossibly bright overhead- just a few days ago, it was nearly impossible to walk around at night without bumping, tripping, and stumbling along. Now, it's easy to move. It's especially noticeable in town, where we gain next to no benefit from dousing our vehicles lights in many areas. The dim twilight is still more than enough to see by, and our trucks are large enough to stand out, even in the more urban areas. I'm getting off track. Back to this last 24 hours.

Let me preface this story I'm about to tell with a little background: Chuck Norris is a gigantic cult phenomonem. Everyone knows a joke or two about the man. Examples include such interesting facts as "Chuck Norris has two speeds. Sleep/Kill", "There is no natural selection. There are creatures that die, and creatures Chuck allows to live", and "Chuck Norris doesn't have a beard because he doesn't shave; Chuck has a beard because razors are scared of him".
References to the man are everywhere, and nearly all of them are as odd or inane as the ones I've just shared. Whether they make sense or not, these little sayings are written everywhere- inside bunkers, latrines, vehicles... anywhere someone might think to write something.

Things started while I was out on mission last night. One of the Bradley Fighting Vehicles that compose our security escort called up the escort commander on the radio during a lull in movement:
Red 1: Sir, did you hear they're taking one of my Bradleys tomorrow?
Red 6: Negative. Why?
R1: I guess Chuck Norris needs it for something.
R6: Say again?
R1: Chuck Norris is coming here tomorrow, and he's taking one of my Bradleys.
R6: Is this one of those jokes you guys tell all the time?
We were sitting in the truck saying to ourselves "What does he need a Bradley for? Can't he just roundhouse kick the IED's away?" "Y'know, if he'd come here 3 years ago, we wouldn't still be here now!". Anyway, it turned out to be true. Every soldier's hero, Chuck Norris, came to the ghetto of Iraq. I wonder how many kids had their illusions shattered today.

Tonight, we went out on another mission, a short one, to clear part of one of the main routes between here and all the other military bases in Iraq. Coming back, we had a bomb explode near us. However, this was no ordinary bomb. This one was a shell strapped to what appeared to be a roller skate, and it got pulled across the road in front of us. Apparently, the bad guys have been watching too many old cartoons, and called Acme with an order for bombs. My truck has now earned the nickname "Roadrunner", for having survived an attack by Wily E. Coyote.

Chuck Norris and bombs on skates. That's about all I can handle for one day.


  1. Anonymous2/11/06 19:20

    Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    K, enough of that... 'bout time you updated! I miss you, and I promise I really do answer my phone these days. Remember, nothing ever happens to Roadrunner. Stay safe.

  2. Anonymous5/11/06 11:22

    The Boogyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

    Good to hear from you. Life just isn't the same around here without you...